(BENTON, Ky.) — In what industry insiders are calling “the beverage scandal of the decade,” shocking new research has exposed WCBL Radio’s beloved “Coffee Call” program which airs weekday mornings at 8:30 is nothing more than an elaborate Diet Coke commercial masquerading as morning talk radio.
According to exhaustive investigative research conducted via phone surveys, social media polls, and email questionnaires, a mere 12% of “Coffee Call” listeners are actually drinking coffee during the broadcast. The remaining 88% have apparently decided that 8:30 AM is the perfect time to crack open an ice-cold can of Diet Coke.
Perhaps even more damning: program guests themselves—those brave souls invited to discuss local zoning ordinances and church bake sales—are also eschewing coffee in favor of the fizzy brown beverage that has somehow become synonymous with morning awakeness.
“We’re calling for an immediate rebrand,” insisted local truth-seeker Margaret Pennington, who became suspicious when she noticed the unmistakable sound of aluminum can tabs being popped during live broadcasts. “Diet Coke Call. That’s what this show should be called. Anything less is consumer fraud.”
Coffee Call host Jeremy Rose appeared flustered when confronted with the data. “Look, ‘Coffee Call’ has brand recognition. We can’t just change it now. Besides, coffee is more… aspirational. Nobody wants to tune into ‘Carbonated Caffeine-Free Beverage Call with Artificial Sweeteners.'”
When pressed about whether the 88% Diet Coke consumption rate suggested the show should perhaps consider new sponsorship opportunities, Rose quickly ended the interview, citing an urgent need to “grab a cup of coffee.”
Witnesses report he was later seen in his office drinking what appeared to be a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Coke.
The scandal has rocked the local radio community to its core, with some calling for a complete investigation into whether other beloved programs are built on similar deceptions. “What’s next?” asked longtime listener Tom Bradford. “Are we going to find out the people on ‘Lunch Hour’ aren’t even eating lunch?”
At press time, WCBL Radio had released a statement saying they “stand behind the Coffee Call name” and suggesting that “coffee is more of a state of mind anyway.”
WCBL’s Morning Man Greg Leath is the main culprit of the 12% who actually drink coffee during the show. He shames them into drinking the java upon arrival to the studio each morning. Leath could not be reached for comment, as he is still prepping for his dive into “Sinkhole Hill” on November 7th.
