(BENTON, Ky.) — In what industry experts are calling “an absolutely spectacular failure to learn from history,” WCBL and WCCK Radio announced plans this week to honor the legendary WKRP Turkey Drop disaster by hurling promotional ink pens from aircraft over a populated area.
“We saw what happened in Cincinnati back in ’78 and thought, ‘You know what that needed? Ballpoint projectiles,'” explained Freeland Broadcasting’s Andy Rudd (left), the Doctor Johnny Fever of the company.
The stations have tapped Aaron Clayton, described in company documents as “part-time” and “surprisingly enthusiastic about the idea,” to parachute from the Tater Day helicopter ride into Benton City Park’s baseball field next Tuesday at 2 PM. His mission: to deliver “Home of the Marshals” and “Home of the Lyons” T-shirts while WCBL and WCCK branded ink pens rain down upon the unsuspecting citizenry below.
“As God is my witness, I thought ink pens could fly,” Clayton reportedly did not say, though sources confirm he’s been practicing the line in his bathroom mirror while clutching armfuls of T-shirts.
Clayton attempted to frame the promotion as community appreciation. “We want to say thanks to the community for their support and have some fun while we are at it!” he announced, with the haunted expression of a man who has already signed the waiver and been fitted for a parachute harness that may or may not accommodate several dozen T-shirts.
Rudd will provide live commentary from the helicopter, a role he describes as “25% broadcaster, 75% professional shover.” Greg Leath will call the action from ground level and simulcast on all Freeland Broadcasting, Inc. stations.
“If Aaron starts to balk like a mule up there, I’ve been authorized to give him the boot,” Rudd explained cheerfully. “Literally. They bought me steel-toed boots for this. HR was very specific about the approved kicking zones.”
When reached for comment, the ghost of WKRP’s Arthur Carlson could not be reached, as fictional characters rarely respond to interview requests. However, a local safety inspector released a statement that read: “Look, at least they’re not dropping turkeys. Or hot food. But have any of these people been hit by a falling pen? Those things are pointy.”
Local officials have cordoned off a “splash zone” around the baseball field, though meteorologists note that wind patterns could potentially spread WCBL and WCCK ink pens across three counties. The event is scheduled for next Tuesday at 2 PM, weather permitting, though forecasters suggest the real question is whether civilization will permit it.
As one elderly Benton resident observed while watching preparations: “Well, at least turkeys are already dead when they hit the ground. These pens might actually write after impact. Though I’m not sure I want a souvenir with that kind of velocity behind it.”
