December 22nd, 3:47 PM – North Pole Time
(NORTH POLE)-Good evening, this is Candy Canesworth reporting live from the North Pole, where sources confirm that absolutely EVERYTHING is going wrong just three days before Christmas.
We’re getting reports that Rudolph’s nose has gone on strike. Yes, you heard that right. The most famous nose in the world is refusing to glow.
“It’s not a strike!” Rudolph told our reporters, his nose completely dim. “I just have a cold, okay? Even magical noses get sniffly!”
“ACHOO!” His nose flickered for one second, then went dark again.
Santa is reportedly “not worried at all,” which Mrs. Claus translated to mean “extremely worried but pretending everything is okay.”
TOY DEPARTMENT DISASTER
In other news, the elves have discovered a MAJOR mix-up in the toy warehouse. Apparently, someone switched the labels on the “Teddy Bears” and “Spaghetti” sections.
“We’ve been wrapping pasta for three weeks,” said Head Elf Jingleberry, looking absolutely devastated. “Do you know how hard it is to put a bow on linguine?”
When asked how this happened, Jingleberry explained that he thought the teddy bears felt “unusually crunchy” but assumed it was a new feature.
Approximately 10,000 children’s letters asking for teddy bears may now receive delicious Italian noodles instead. The elves are scrambling to fix this, but they keep getting distracted by how hungry they are.
REINDEER REBELLION
The reindeer are refusing to practice their flying formations because Dasher and Dancer are in a HUGE fight about who’s faster.
“I’m OBVIOUSLY faster,” said Dasher, pawing the ground dramatically. “My name is literally DASHER!”
“Your name doesn’t mean ANYTHING!” Dancer shot back. “I can dance AND run! That’s TWO skills!”
They’ve been racing each other around the North Pole for six hours. Santa tried to break it up but got accidentally knocked into a snowbank. He says his bottom is “completely frozen” and he “can’t feel his jingle bells.”
Prancer is taking bets on who will win. Cupid is stress-eating cookies. Comet is hiding in the stable because he “can’t deal with drama right now.”
COOKIE CRISIS ALERT
Mrs. Claus has announced she’s run out of chocolate chips for Santa’s travel cookies.
“I SPECIFICALLY told the supply elves we needed more!” she said, waving a wooden spoon. “Now what is Santa supposed to eat during his deliveries? Oatmeal raisin?!”
Santa visibly shuddered at the suggestion.
The supply elves claim they ordered chocolate chips, but Amazon accidentally delivered 500 pounds of chocolate LIPS instead.
“We didn’t even know chocolate lips existed,” said Supply Elf Peppermint. “But now we have enough to last until the year 3000, so that’s… something?”
SLEIGH MALFUNCTION
Our sources in the Mechanical Department report that the sleigh is making a “very weird noise.”
“It goes ‘WONK WONK FLIBBLE,'” explained Mechanic Elf Sparkplug, demonstrating the sound. “Sleighs should NOT go ‘WONK WONK FLIBBLE.'”
When Santa test-drove the sleigh this morning, it flew backward, upside down, and somehow ended up in the cookie pantry.
“On the bright side,” Santa said, brushing crumbs off his suit, “I found where we stored the extra candy canes!”
LIST CATASTROPHE
Perhaps most concerning: the Naughty and Nice List has been accidentally printed in REVERSE alphabetical order AND upside down.
“So everyone whose name starts with Z is at the top, but you have to read it like a bat,” explained List Manager Elf Tinsel. “It’s very confusing.”
“Also,” Tinsel continued nervously, “the printer was low on ink, so some of it is in invisible ink.”
Santa reportedly said a word that we cannot repeat on a family news channel, then apologized and ate seven cookies.
WEATHER COMPLICATIONS
The North Pole Weather Department warns that there’s a 60% chance of “extremely inconvenient snow” on Christmas Eve.
“Not regular snow,” clarified Weather Elf Frostbite. “INCONVENIENT snow. The kind that gets in your eyes and makes reindeer grumpy.”
Blitzen has already filed a complaint about future weather that hasn’t even happened yet.
SANTA’S OFFICIAL STATEMENT
When reached for comment, Santa told reporters: “Ho ho— nervous cough —everything is totally under control! We’ve got THREE WHOLE DAYS to figure this out! That’s like… 72 hours! So many hours!”
Mrs. Claus stood behind him holding a sign that said “SEND HELP.”
UPDATE: Rudolph’s nose just flickered back on for five seconds, then sneezed and went dark again. The crowd of elves watching erupted in chaos.
BREAKING UPDATE: We’re now getting reports that someone forgot to order wrapping paper and the elves have been using newspaper instead. Thousands of presents are currently wrapped in the comics section.
This is Candy Canesworth signing off. Check back tomorrow when things will presumably be even MORE chaotic.
Stay frosty, everyone. Santa’s gonna need a miracle.
Or at least some chocolate chips.
