By Timothy T. Tater, Editor and Chief Spud
The Sweet Potato
(BENTON, Ky.) — At precisely 2:00 AM this Sunday morning, approximately 400 million North Americans will participate in the world’s most coordinated act of collective gaslighting since we all agreed to pretend we enjoyed the finale of Game of Thrones.
Yes, friends, Daylight Saving Time ends tonight. Break out the champagne. Pop the cork at 1:59 AM, again at 1:00 AM (the second one), and maybe a third time just to really capture the existential confusion of the moment.
The Great Bargain
“We’re giving you an extra hour of sleep!” chirp the pro-DST enthusiasts, as if they’re some benevolent time lords bestowing a gift rather than returning something they stole from us six months ago. This is like someone borrowing twenty dollars in March, returning it in November, and expecting a thank-you card.
“What will you do with your bonus hour?” asks every news outlet, as though we’ve won some kind of temporal lottery and not simply clawed our way back to the correct time. Personally, I plan to spend mine staring at my phone, trying to remember which of my seventeen clocks update automatically and which ones require a blood sacrifice and three YouTube tutorials.
The Technology Paradox
In the year 2025, we can video chat with someone on the International Space Station, order a burrito that arrives via drone, and get AI to write our breakup texts, but somehow we still can’t agree whether 2:00 AM should happen once or twice per year.
Your microwave will be wrong until March. Your car dashboard will mock you with its temporal insolence. That one analog clock in the hallway? It’s been wrong since 2019, and honestly, at this point, let’s just leave it. Twice a day it’s right anyway.
The Real Victims
Spare a thought tonight for the bartenders working the 1:00 AM to 2:00 AM shift. Twice. These heroes will serve the same drunk guy ordering “one more beer” across two timelines, like some kind of alcoholic Groundhog Day. Do they get paid for nine hours or ten? Does the universe compensate them for their temporal suffering? No. No, it does not.
And the babies. Oh, the babies. You know who doesn’t care about your cute little time change? Babies. They will wake up at 5:30 AM regardless of what your phone says, because babies are tiny, adorable anarchists who recognize no government or atomic clock.
The Ritual
Tonight, before bed, Americans will perform an ancient ritual passed down through generations: walking around their homes, squinting at devices, and saying “Does this one change automatically?” approximately forty-seven times.
Some will change their clocks tonight. Some will change them Sunday morning. Some bold rebels won’t change them at all and will simply adjust their entire lives to be an hour off, showing up to brunch at what they believe is noon but is actually 11:00 AM, eating a sensible eggs benedict while everyone else is still digesting breakfast pizza from two hours earlier.
The Darkness Cometh
But here’s the real gift Daylight Saving Time ending brings us: the 5:00 PM darkness. That special time when you leave work and the sky screams “GO TO BED, IT’S MIDNIGHT” even though you haven’t even had dinner yet. Nothing says “seasonal depression” quite like commuting home in what appears to be the void of space.
“At least we get more morning light!” say the morning people, who are wrong about everything.
Looking Forward
Various states and countries have proposed abolishing this biannual temporal nonsense altogether. Arizona and Hawaii are already living in the year 3000, having refused to participate in this madness. They simply… don’t change their clocks. They wake up, live their lives, and go to bed without pretending time is a Choose Your Own Adventure book.
But will the rest of us join them? Will we finally admit that Benjamin Franklin’s 1784 satire about daylight saving (yes, it started as a JOKE) has gone too far?
Probably not. We’re too committed to the bit.
In Conclusion
So tonight, at 2:00 AM, when time briefly breaks and we all become time travelers moving backward one hour, take a moment to appreciate the absurdity. You’re participating in a ritual where an entire continent agrees to collectively pretend the last hour didn’t happen.
It’s communal gaslighting. It’s temporal theft and restitution. It’s a twice-yearly reminder that humans will agree to absolutely anything if you present it with enough authority and don’t give them time to think about it.
Sweet dreams, time travelers. See you at 1:00 AM.
And then again at 1:00 AM.
